i just rolled out of bed to write this its 430 am and i cant sleep prolly the nicotine patches tweaking me again its getting harder and harder to sleep each night i keep worrying bills pile up are my kids safe am i losing it will i lose the one thing keeping me sane i think about my personal hero and the day i heard hed taken his life with a single ounce of gunpowder and a middle finger still raised in the shape of a fist i can't hate him for what he did i can only envy him for having the balls to live how he did prior to that what about me all i ever want to do is cry i want to run away find a warm spot on a sandy beach holding the one i love watching the kids play in the waves spending the rest of my life teaching them the value of understanding and acceptance loving someone for their flaws not despite them i want to escape all the hate around me the dead end streets a thousand cookiecutter houses lining a thousand cul de sacs in suburban depression america everywhere seems like a dead end i know theres a road named hope but its so dark i cant follow the lines to the end she knows i worry all the time fretting over things i cant change fucking up where i could do right biding my time when i could be changing things i want to be a good person i want to be there with the ones i love i want to be there for the ones i love i try so hard to climb out of the muck but when i start doing well i start sliding back down my grip loosens just a bit and the goal slips back out of reach i look in the mirror and all i ever see is a frown it keeps getting harder to remember how to smile and when i do its only a courtesy to another every laugh is forced and every hug leaves a bad taste in mouth the one person who makes me happy is a world away and still the warmest fire around